I started with my first post saying where the hell did I go? Here is my follow up to that.
Those of you who are approaching 60, like I am, will probably relate to this in one way or another.
Inside I feel like the 20 year old me. (well maybe more like the 40 year old me) My mind is no different. I think the same, my goals, my hopes, my dreams are the same. And in all of those hopes and dreams I still look the same. All legs, too skinny, nice skin, pretty hair. But then I wake up in the morning, I go to brush my teeth, and look in the mirror and I'm like, "who the hell is that looking at me, and how did I get here?" Nothing ever changed, I eat the same, sleep the same, drink the same, I actually get a lot more rest than I used to. But I am definitely not the same on the outside, even though I feel the same on the inside.
I mean really, what was God thinking? We are finally at an age when we can afford fun clothes, we have a social life that doesn't revolve around our children, we can now travel and do all those things that we dreamed of doing all those years that we couldn't. But now we are dealing with weight that shows up uninvited and doesn't go away, no matter how much we diet, exercise, drink gallons of water. We have more gray hairs than our natural hair color, so there is a lot of work and $$ that goes into that. And then we are losing those few non grays that we have and they are now popping up on our chins and lips. My skin, I don't even know what to say about that. More breakouts than I ever had as a teenager, mixed in with those awful wrinkles. Nothing like a Zit that sits on top of a wrinkle. Seriously WTH? I have an entire closet of clothes that I hang onto with the thoughts that, " One Day!" I got in big trouble with my hubby because I signed up for the Message Envy monthly "treat your self". Not for the message's but for the facials. I don't consider these appointments as a treat, more of a plea for help.
My problems started years ago. We had just moved back to the United States, the boys were in school, and busy. C.D. and I both worked at the Miami Airport. We were busy and happy. I started to have a few health problems. On the day that I was dropping off my paperwork at the hospital for my up coming hysterectomy (but I got to keep one ovary) when I had terrible pain in my chest and back. I thought I was having a heart attack. Kind of scary. I went to the ER and they admitted me into the hospital. I was on morphine for 3 days due to the massive pain I was in, but they couldn't quite put their finger on what was causing it. Then they finally decided it was my gall bladder giving me this grief. I had surgery the next day. The key to all of this was that I had not smoked a cigarette in all that time. So this was kind of a big deal for a pack a day smoker. When I awoke from the surgery my first thought was that I can finally have a cigarette. But then in my drug filled thoughts I somehow remembered that I had gone almost 4 days with out a cigarette. They say that after 3 days, all of the physical addiction is gone and its all in the head from that point. I thought about this for a few minutes, and decided that to hell with it, time to quit. I hit that morphine button and closed my eyes again. I have never smoked since. When people ask how I quit all those years ago, I say,"I quit on morphine!" So ya see in 3 1/2 weeks I had two surgeries, and I quit smoking. Doing the math, Quitting smoking = 10 pounds, Hysterectomy = 10 pounds, Gall Bladder =. not sure but it must be around another 10 pounds. So right off the bat, 30 pounds
I try not to beat my self up over the weight that I put on since that time in my life, after all I still don't smoke. You have no idea how many times I have thought, if I just start smoking again, I would probably shed a few of those pounds. But I know that the weight is the lesser of two evils.
In the mean time, I will do what ever I can to fight those signs of aging, however I will continue to look inward to that 20 year old self, that 40 year old self, and that 50 year old self. I will remember who I am, my hopes, my dreams, and the loves of my life that think I'm ok just as I am.
Thanks for your time, support, and Love!